It is something almost every family has to face, a death of a pet. This isn’t an article about what is exactly the right way and wrong way to deal with the loss of a pet, but I hope it gives a little insight. I am 44 and I don’t have any children, we hope to be adopting within the next year, but I do have lasting effects of what was told to me when my pets died, or the simple fact of what I wasn’t told. I was sheltered, and though I don’t agree with how my parents tried to protect me growing up, they thought what they were doing was best.
Avoid Lies
Do not tell your children that they have run away or that someone probably stole them. Eventually the truth will surface and the child will be angry with you and emotions may resurface to deal with the death. Believe it or not, at 20 something my parents told me that they thought some one took my cat because he was so friendly and there was a soccer game at the school across the street. And yes as an adult I believed them, but the ugly truth did come out. It was not a pretty picture.
Be Accurate & Honest
If in an event the pet need to be euthanized explain:
- The pet will never get better
- the pet will no longer be in pain, if the pet has been ill for a while
- Let your child know the pet will not be scared or feel any hurt
- Let your child know that the vet has done everything they can
Remember that all your answers should be based on your religious or philosophical beliefs.
Coping
Children do not show grief the same way as adults and you may find your child having many extreme bouts of sadness followed by happiness as if nothing every happened. This is normal and creating ways to help them get this can be beneficial not only to them but you also.
- Put a scrapbook together of all Fidos fun times
- Plant a tree in the pets honor
- Have a funeral service, either traditional (if you are going to bury the pet) or a special ceremony if the pet has been cremated.
Remember that during this time it is okay to grieve and cry also, but intense crying and mourning can be frightening to your child. Try to focus on your child during this difficult time.
It is always good to notify any caregivers (daycare, etc) or teachers that there has been a pet death in the family so that if any problems should arise it will be understood and handled appropriately.
Moving On
This depends a lot on you and your family. I recommend allowing a little bit of time to pass. Explain to the child that time is need and everyone has to be ready to get a new pet at the same time. This time can also be used to start researching different breeds, visiting PetFinder.com and local rescues.
Even though this was a short list of what to do when a pet dies and how to help your child with the process I hope it helps if you have not had to face this situation yet. If you have dealt with this situation, what have you done that seems to have helped in the grieving process? Remember no way is completely right or wrong, just being the best parents we can be is all we ask for.
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Even though our dog is only going on 4, she has already had some health problems so it makes me worry about how my kids will react, especially my daughter, when it’s time for our bullmastiff to pass. We got her just a few months before our daughter was born, so they have grown very close. I had no experience growing up with or losing a dog, so these are some great tips for when the time comes, thank you!
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I remember when my puppy died when I was young. I was so sad. We even had a burial under our back porch. It was important that I went through the grieving process
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We have a dog who is aging, and I am not looking forward to the time when he passes. He has been in our family since before the kids were born, and since they grew up with him, I have a feeling they are going to have a hard time dealing with the loss. I am going to bookmark this for future (hopefully not near future!) reference.
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Thanks Marissa… I hope to see you back here in years (for this post) and not any sooner!
My daughter has already experienced the loss of her grandfather so to be honest telling her that a pet has died would be so much easier even though it is hard on any account. We have elder dogs, one is 13 and the other is 10 so this is coming up eventually and it’s not something I want to think about.
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I had lost my grandparents at a young age, and thought I was bonded to them, there was some difficulty with losing a pet. Be prepared in case she responds differently than thought. And it may be harder for you too. Thanks for stopping by.
We have two elderly pets that are blessing our lives. While they are in fairly good health, I know that it is just a matter of time. Since we have two teenagers, it will be a slightly easier discussion when it happens. It is me and hubby that I am worried about.
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Well Jennifer you are right. The more I talk with people, teens tend to take losing a pet fairly well, by then it’s the parents that have difficulty with losing a pet. I believe it has to do wit the fact that they have had the pets since the children were very small if not before… in essence you are losing a child, as the dog has been a best friend to your children and you have looked over them also.
Having had to put down a few of my dear fur friends in my lifetime, the guidance you give is sound. I wish in some ways someone had guided me in this way! The honesty about euthanasia is key–both as adults and for children. The crazy thing is that even though we are putting our beloved furry family members out of their pain, misery, and fear, the choice although “the best thing,” is so hard in those last moments. I have made it a point to whisper in my pet’s ear that I love them and that I am so grateful that I had them in my life. Celebrating how they made my life better has made that bitter moment, a little easier to take.
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I need to do that with JoeJo, though I have written about him since I let him go, for me it hasn’t become any easier. I think that is why I write about about pets and dying. I often wonder if they know how much they bring to our lives, and if they feel the same.
We don’t have any pets right now, but we have been wanting a dog for a long time. I know that once we do get a pet we will eventually have to have this talk with our kids though, so it is good information to have. Thanks for sharing!
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Thanks so much Marissa… having 9 dogs right now from 3 to 12 years old I definitely don’t look forward to the next 15 years.
We don’t have any pets at the moment, no time to give them right now, but we would love a dog in the future.
I remember as a child when our pets died we would have a funeral service for them. It helped bring things to a close. Thank you for sharing!
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Christine, I am 46 mom of 2 boys and in the process of adopting and we haven’t had to go through this situation as of yet. We definitely tell them the truth about what’s going on – we have had to deal with my MIL’s dog dying but they didn’t really have much of a reaction. They were like “aawww!” but moved on. Thanks for writing this post. It will make people stop and think what they are telling their children or others. Blessings, Tina
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Great advice for children of all ages. I think we often underestimate what our kids can handle and thankfully, Disney’s Lion King taught them about the circle of life! Tell them what they can absorb at their age level and then help them through it.
We have had many pets pass away and my daughter always felt better knowing she could trust us to do our best to save them, care for them and then honor their deaths by handling it appropriately.
Great advice! Losing a pet is so difficult and I imagine explaining death to a child can be a challenge.
My mom has a shih tzu. She got him my sophomore year in high school and I graduated class of 2005. 🙂
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I have never had to tell a child that a pet died but these are nice tips to have just in case. Personally, I used to have a guinea pig, along with a cat too. However, one day, my guinea pig started getting inactive and a couple of days later I went to check on her, as usual, and she had died. I was sad for some time because she actually bonded very well with my cat. She used to actually chase my cat around the apartment 🙂 It was hilarious. Back then, YouTube wasn’t known or big them, I can’t remember, but it would’ve made for a great YouTube video. I like guinea pigs. They are very intelligent animals too.
I had a pet from the age of 6 thru 13. I knew the cat had gotten sick and went to the vet, but he was gone for months. One time at a friend’s house, we were talking about her pet being sick and I said the my cat was sick and at the doctor’s. Of course, my older sister “He’s not sick, he’s dead.” I didn’t believe it until she kept saying “Yes, he is. He died a long time ago.” I didn’t have any concept of time and really thought he was still at the vet. I just burst out in tears, in front of our friend. Point is, the pain of losing a pet is unavoidable, so it’s definitely better to tell when it happens instead of running the chance of a bratty sibling telling them.
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Good Advice. I agree you should never flat out lie to a child. I also think you don’t need to share every detail of the pet’s death. For most kids, especially the little ones, the fact that Fido died is enough. Reinforcing your families religious view on death and what happens next is very important at this time. Most kids don’t deal with a lot of death in their lives and using the pet’s death as a teaching opportunity is a good idea.
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I totally agree… this is the best time for teaching and reinforcing your religious or philosophical views. This can be a tough time for some and turning to your faith is very important. 🙂
My best friend just had to put her dog to sleep. It was obviously so sad for her and her family, but also for me and my family too. Her beloved dog was my family’s adopted dog. She visited us regularly and played with my son. With her recent passing, it has been difficult to try to explain the concept of death, sickness and dying to a three year old. He has asked many questions, all of which I have tried to answer truthfully (good note above!) and honestly. I don’t think he has quite grasped yet, but your post certainly helps with our next steps! Thank you….
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Wow 3 is a very hard age. Glad to know this will help you help him… it’s a hard road for everyone right now. Best wishes and all my condolences.
What great advice. I never had to explain anything like this to my son because when our dog passed, he was a teenager and understood. Its even hard for me to understand when that time comes.
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I think something happens as a teen to make death a little bit easier for some.
I appreciate your ‘don’t lie’. I think honesty and open communication is the best. And remember that grief is a process for kids as well as adults. We all move at different paces.
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So true… I am still dealing with a pet loss from July. He was my world and I was his…:'( We can never dictate to some one how long we should grieve…sometimes letting go in a certain amount of time is not always the answer.
My comment is more about your site or choice of dog. We have been thinking about getting a dog and the shihtz is my choice. I will keep your site so I can learn more about them. I hope I spelled that right. lol.
Well.. since you are coming into the flock… always remember Shih Tzu 🙂 and it’s pronounced “Sheeed Zoo” 🙂 remember it is never a little Shit!! lol This is such a wonderful breed of dogs, and I have had every thing from a Boxer to a Pitbull… You will never be sorry you decided on this breed, they are by far the best ever!! Some can be a little hard to potty train at first, but the best thing that works for them is positive reinforcement. The respond so well to love 🙂
We just got our 1st dog a little over a year ago and all 3 of my kids are glued to him. I am not looking forward to the say we have to say good-bye to him.
I totally understand… but I can tell you are glued to him too 🙂
What a great post. We have had two dogs and two birds pass away in our sons lifetime. Both dog were left with the vet to be put down and the first dog was very old and DS was very young. When we had to put down our other dog, he was old enough to understand about death considering my mom had just passed away only a few months earlier. When the birds passed away DS and I held a little funeral for each of them in the side yard. We didn’t want our dog digging them up after we buried them. All in all he did fine with each pet’s death.
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That is wonderful to hear…well not the fact your pets died. But of having a wonderful little funerals. It helps so much to give closure on their little lives and remembrance to them. Bravo.
We have two cats and haven’t yet had to tell our kids about a pet passing away. However, my grandmother and my husband’s cousin both passed away at the end of last year, so we’ve had to deal with that. These are good tips, some of which can be applied to when a person passes away as well.
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Thank you… I did not equate this post to a person passing but you are so right! I think grief and mourning are the same whether it be for a pet or a person depending how each have touched our lives.
We have lost pet fish and two pet rats. My daughter was very upset about the death of our two rats, who were both very social and friendly animals and also well trained. We were always honest with her about our rats. Right now we have a pet cat, and he is still young. I don’t know how my daughter will take it losing a pet that has been with us for three years already.
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Well I am sure he will stay healthy for a long time to come and it may be a bit easier in the teen years.
I have never had to deal with telling a child that their pet has passed away, we have been lucky but I will keep these in mind for the future. The honesty really rang true to me, because I wouldnt want to be lied to.
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It’s always tough… and even though I am now in my 40’s without children yet, learning to deal with pet deaths at this age is no fun. When I have children I definitely will be honest too.
What a great post and so helpful. My son lost his first pet (a fish) at age 4. He is 6 now and still talks about how the fish went to Heaven and what will happen when our dogs die. They are still very young dogs, but you just never know. Thank you for all of the advice because I know the next pet death will be much harder on him.
Thank you so much… dealing with this is so tough. There are some great books on dealing with pet death, I think I’ll have to review some soon so that there is a reference for children. I think if they are able to read it might help also, or coloring books too.
We had some hermit crabs for a little while and they’ve all died months ago. I used to let dd ‘help’ fill the water dish and just a couple of days ago she wanted to get them some water. She just didn’t understand that they aren’t in there anymore. It was hard enough to explain with hermit crabs. I just hope our ten year old cat has plenty more years in him.
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Awww… I am so sorry about the hermit crabs. It’s so tough for the little ones. I hope you cat stays healthy 🙂 … I lost 2 cats last year, they were 17 & 18, so hopefully you’ll have a bit of time left. 🙂
This will probably sound bad, but one of the reason we have pets is because learning life lessons on illness, health and death, seem to occur more with animals, as they do not live as long (mostly) as humans. And we can help our kids learn to handle issues like sickness and death instead of waiting until they are grown up to experience a loss. Being honest is always best, it’s just able having the right perspective and attitude in the process.
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I don’t think that is bad, we all have pets for different reasons. The death that I was allowed to see was that of hamsters, but at the time I was too young at the time. But you are right, being there and teaching your kids at a much younger age dealing with the loss of a pet is much better than with humans at an older age.
I like that you don’t try to mask what happened, but give it to them in a way kids will be able to understand without necessarily falling apart at the seams. The idea of planting a tree in the pet’s honor sounds great to me. Thanks for the ideas, Christine!
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Thanks!! There are so many things we can do to honor our pets and with the planting of a tree it gives meaning to the pet and your child will never forget about that wonderful little pet that shared their lives 🙂
Nice post., I often worry what I will have to say to my kids when our little guys passes. They love him so much. Right, now he still has a lot of life left, but it will be tough regardless. He is one of the family. Thank you for such a nice post.
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Ohh.. thanks so much Jen. It is so hard when they are part of the family. And you are right it will be tough, I just hope it gave you a few ideas. I do believe it is very healthy we learn to mourn properly, I believe it shows our love. 🙂
I have not yet had to deal with this, but we have pets and I know someday this will come up. I am NOT looking forward to it! But these are great tips. Thank you so much for sharing!
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Thanks so much Carli!! Until that time comes take lots of pictures to create a great memories book or just because, it’ll really help to remember those special times when we have photographs 🙂
We have actually been lucky in this regard, having had only three pets lost while my kids were younger. They took it a lot better than I did and since we were always a multiple pet family it helped alot. The remaining dogs always got a lot more love for a while.
Wow that is great!! I never thought of how a multi-pet family can also help the process. And I do think as adults we do tend to take it a little harder, probably because we no longer think we will live forever.
Pets have always been a special part of our lives and the death of a pet can be like the death of a family member, Thank you for reminder that kids need special understanding during a loss… This was a very sweet, sensitive, and informative post. Great job.
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Thank you so much Jeanie… being a pet blogger I really wanted to share something we could all relate to. As someday I strive to be a regular mommy blogger … for now being a furmom is a great thing to be 🙂
Great post – I have 4 young girls and a puppy so most of the girls should almost grown when the puppy passes fingers crossed – but great to know what to have in store to say when the time comes. Thanks for sharing what must have been a difficult post to write 🙂
yes I do hope your little grows old, but even when the girls do get big it’ll be hard since there is such a great bond. It was difficult to write as I have had to deal with so many deaths in 2013 :'(
What great suggestions, though I dread the day I have deal with the death of our beloved dog. I’ve had to explain the death of mini frogs, but that was pretty easy for the kids to accept.
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Thank You Bren. I do find little smaller pets to be a bit easier to deal with, though I haven’t had to deal with a loss like that with little kids yet… and I do stress yet 🙂 I think the hardest thing for me will be keeping myself strong for our kids someday, as the pets will have been with us a long time… so I dread those days also.
This was such a sweet read, and all honestly put. I have never had a dog, but I did love a few rabbits and gerbils over the years, and those were pretty hard to say goodbye to as well when they are you’re only pet;) Thank you for the great tips!
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Ohh Lindsay… it doesn’t ever have to be a cat or dog. Rabbits, gerbils, horses, guinea pigs, etc, they all make these little spaces in our hearts and when they go those spaces are left there… it doesn’t matter how big or how small a pet is, it is always hard to say goodbye.
Very nice post… I have 2 kids, one is too young to understand this, but the other is 9. We’ve had some pets pass away during my 9 year old’s lifetime and I have always been very honest with her about the whole thing. When she was younger, she would just say “Oh, OK” like she totally got it, and it didn’t bother her. As she’s gotten older, I think it makes her more sad but we are still always honest about it. Our goldfish died just last week. It’s a goldfish, so she was fine but still didn’t seem too happy about it.
I think it is more detrimental to a child when a person chooses to lie to them. This is a great list!
My mom has shih tzu, she got him when I was a sophomore in high school and I graduated class of 2005. 😉
For us it was when my daughter was still alive and she was out of town when I had to tell her so I could not comfort her the way I would have liked. But now that I have my son and my dog is getting older I worry about it every day and how I would tell him and I am still not sure what I would do and may not until it happens.
What a beautiful sentiment and the video is sweet. It brought tears to my eyes for all the love shown your pet.
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